Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
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As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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