Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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