At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
