you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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