i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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