I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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