I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
