when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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