mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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