The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
