Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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