OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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