so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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