My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
