Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Randomize
