Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Randomize
