i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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