I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
