I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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