I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize