He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
