i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
