i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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