mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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