I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
