also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
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