HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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