when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
