wakey wakey hands off snakey
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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