Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
