So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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