you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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