he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
