my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
