he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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