you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
