Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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