I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
