my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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