My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
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