I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
