i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
