My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
