How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
