Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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