I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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