when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
