Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
