First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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