dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
