seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
wow bdsm is so cute
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
