Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
