My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
