Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
