I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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