i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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