This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
