He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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