The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
